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Kamis, 17 Juni 2010

After 6 Month

It's been half year since the last time I wrote.
I don't even realize it's been that long. Isn't it funny how I live it day by day but not realizing I've spent half of this year.

Okay, this is what happen.
We've broke up.
Yeah, it's hurt so bad.
I remember when it's happen (just hear/read the song). I just can't understand after so long I've done something bad, when I do something good (at least I think it's good) we just broke up like that.

I've been updating my 'shout' with a lot of quotes that rhyme with how my heart been feeling. I just don't know how many tears I've spent that wont even make you come back with me. My tears just heal my mind for a while and never heal my heart from this pain.
Somehow I know that the fastest way to get over a break up is finding another person to fill this 'emptiness'. But that's not the right way. Everybody know that a shortcut usually make things worse.
I think I know so many things about this 'break up' things. But this still feel so hard to pass through and I just couldn't stand it.
It's silly how my feeling trick me out like this.
Is my mind control me or I'm controlling my mind?

That's not all.
And now since my friends and I not so close anymore, how could my live get any worse?
Of course sum up with my family problem. Whom I should tell all of this?
I do suck at building relationship... It's been proven I think.

With this note, I'm just wanna say that I'm sorry Lord. First of all is to You, because I've been hurting You so many times. And I know that I'm moving away from You, and please believe me that I do want to come back to You although I think I'm not worth to forgive.
Hunie, I'm really-really sorry to you to. There's so many things that I shouldn't do or say to you. And thank you for being so understanding this whole time. You know you're the best, so I really-really hope you'll find a better man. You deserve it.
For all my family, please get away from any trouble. I'm so sorry if I couldn't do much to help all of you (esp. my parents). But believe me that at least I'm staying out of trouble to not make our condition worse. I really do care 'bout all of you, but it's just I can't do much...Sorry
For all of my friends...
I'm so sorry to all of you. I know I've been a jerk, an a*shole this whole time. I'm asking to many from you guys. Though I still feel that you guys not showing that you care about me, but I do care for our relationship for old time sake. I really hope we could hang out together again sometimes. I promise all of you, I'll gaining my guts to tell what's been happening to me all of this time apart from you guys.
And last, for my church.
I don't know is it right or wrong to wrote the 'note'. It's just something I feel back then.
If there's anything bad I say, I'm so sorry. I wrote it based on how I feel before and I'm just trying to be honest about how I'm feeling.
And one thing that you my need to know that I'm losing my comfort being there and I'm afraid that someday I'll just don't want to go there anymore. Though I'm fighting it, it's suck to fighting by myself. If only someone could help me 'down' here...(Yeah you wish....).

That's all.
My life, my story ( until now at least...)

Just Another Friday

It's just another Friday with you
It's just another movie that we see
I never know the day would end like this
You said it's over

I never know exactly what they see
It seems there's something wrong when you're with me
It's not another Friday that I feel when I woke up at 10:00

You, it is you
I made this song for you
So you could remember this Friday the last time you're with me
You, it is you
My heart belong to you
Just remember, it was Friday

It's just another Saturday without you
With this pain on my heart I'm singing :
" You know I can't smile without you..."
I wish I had another Friday just with you

Minggu, 06 Desember 2009

Kau Harus Tahu

Kau harus tahu ku tak sanggup
Untuk lupakan dirimu

Kau harus tahu bahwasanya
Kau yang terbaik untukku

Semua telah berakhir
dan kau harus tahu inipun teramat sulit bagiku
Ku harus akhiri cintaku untukmu

Ku tak'kan pernah miliki dirimu
Ku hanya pernah miliki hatimu
Kuingin kau tahu semua itu sudah cukup untukku

Ku harus bisa lupakan dirimu
Ku harus bisa jalani tanpamu
dan kau harus tahu
Kau tetap yang paling mengerti aku

couldn't stand the pain when I wrote it...


Ada sesuatu yang enggak gue tulis di mail balesan gue buat dia...
Gue gak bilang ke dia gimana sakitnya waktu gue harus nulis itu semua ke dia. Gue gak bilang kalo gue nyakitin diri gue sendiri, gue lakuin sesuatu yang gak pernah pengen gue lakuin.
Ketika gue mulai belajar setia sama satu orang, gue justru harus kehilangan orang itu.

Gimana rasanya gelas u diambil waktu masih kehausan? Gimana rasanya piring makan u diambil waktu u lagi makan? Gimana rasanya harus lupain seseorang yang gue sayang ketika justru gue masih sayang banget sama dia dan tiap harinya gue berasa rasa sayang gue ke dia bertumbuh terus...?
Itu yang gue lagi rasain sekarang...

Tapi tau apa yang paling sulit dari semuanya?
Bukan rasa sakitnya, tapi gue putus asa cari cara bisa lupain dia...
Gue lakuin usaha terbaik gue, gak ada cara untuk mempercepat semuanya sampe gue bener-bener bisa lupain dia dan hilangin perasaan gue ke dia.
Gue cuma bisa nunggu sampe gue terbiasa hidup tanpa ada dia lagi sama-sama gue...
Dan tiap saat gue lewatin tanpa dia itu nyiksa gue...
Yang terburuk dari semuanya, gue tiap detik ngebayangin perasaan dia ke gue yang bakalan hilang pelan-pelan. Itu ribuan kali lebih nyiksa daripada yang lainnya...

There's nothing I can do to change this. You'd know it already...
There's nothing I can do to help you solve this. You got to find the way on your own...
We'll taking a different road now. Not that I don't want to accompany you.
It's the path of our journey is over...

Luv u (still..)

Kamis, 03 Desember 2009

Note from my chaotic heart & mind

*sigh...*
Saya sebenernya paling benci nulis blog dengan keadaan kayak gini.
Setelah ngomong, lagi-lagi keputusan itu harus kita ambil.
Sakit banget...Sampe-sampe gak tau gimana gambarin rasa sakitnya..
Hun,kita udah coba kan..? Kita udah usahain semuanya kan..? Kita udah doain kan..?

Hun,ko jio berusaha keras lupain dd... Percaya deh, gak gampang..Dan hasilnya pun gak banyak berubah...
Hun,ko jio sayang banget sama dd...
Ko jio gak tau hun harus gimana biar bisa lupain semuanya. Rasanya sakit banget...

Ko jio pikir gak akan nangis lagi untuk kedua kalinya pisah sama dd...Ternyata gak bisa, ko jio tetep gak tahan...
Kita gak pernah pisah karena berhenti sayang kan? Kita memang gak pernah berhenti sayang satu sama lain kan...?
Berat banget jalanin keputusan yang dibuat orang lain untuk kita. Hunie harus kuat yah...Ko jio gak bisa lagi ada disamping dd, temenin dd bb kalo malem, ko jio gak bisa lagi ingetin dd gak boleh ini-itu, ko jio percaya dd tetep inget semuanya. Biarpun ko jio gak lagi sama-sama dd.

Hunie,ko jio bener-bener minta maaf sama dd buat semuanya...
Hun,ko jio percaya banget dd udah lakuin yang terbaik buat ko jio selama ini... Makasih yah...Makasih hunieku..

Perasaan gue kacau banget...Rasanya kayak kehilangan semua yg gue punya...
Rasanya kayak hilang semua yg gue mau...

Hun,ko jio nulis ini bukan karena nyesel kenal & sayang sm dd... Ko jio nulis ini karena ko jio sayang banget sama dd dan gak pengen semuanya selesai...Karena ko jio gak pernah mau udahan sama dd...Percaya kan sama ko jio...?

Hun,plis dengerin ko jio...
Jaga diri dd baik-baik...
Jaga pergaulan dd, kegereja yg rajin, pelayanan di gereja dd, rajin komsel...
Hun, jangan pernah kecewain mami lagi...Jangan pernah!!!!
Belajar buat ujian nanti,jangan nyontek lagi. Ko jio percaya kok dd bisa tanpa nyontek. Jangan males-les lagi...
Jangan pernah lupa semua yg ko jio pesen sama dd..
Jaga kesehatan dd, jangan sering-sering minum teh botol & air dingin. Apalagi kalo dd lagi batuk/pilek..

Hun, ko jio kangen banget sama dd...Gak tau sampe kapan perasaan ko jio ada buat dd...
Tapi satu saat nanti perasaan dd ke ko jio atau perasaan ko jio ke dd pasti hilang...
Tapi saat ko jio tulis ini buat dd, ko jio sayang banget sama dd. Ko jio naksir sm dd dari waktu pertama ngeles-in dd...Beruntungnya ko jio bisa disayang sm dd selama ini...
Gak tau berapa kali ko jio udah ngomong gini ke dd, ko jio gak pernah bosen ngomongin ini. Soalnya tiap hari sama-sama dd entah kenapa ko jio berasa jadi orang paling beruntung sedunia...Gak perduli masalah apa yg lagi ko jio hadapin, gak perduli gimana berat jalanin hidup ko jio tetep ngerasa beruntung banget dd bisa ada di samping ko jio..
Hunieku...
Sekarang dd udah jauh banget lebih dewasa, ko jio bangga banget nama ko jio jadi bagian dalam hidup dd...
Dan ko jio gak pernah nyesel nama Florean Tam jadi bagian proses hidup ko jio...

Hun,kacau banget yah tulisan ko jio sekarang.Maaf yah..Akhirnya ko jio mulai tenang n stop crying, mungkin karena udah kecapean main futsal juga... Ko jio lari-lari sampe bener-bener cape berharap bisa tidur karena kecapean...
Tetep aja, gak guna...Ko jio tetep mikirin dd, sakitnya tetep ada...

Hunieku...
Ko jio sayang banget sama dd, kangen banget sama dd..
Luv u hunieku..
Miss u..
Please take care...
Bye-bye...
Mwah...mwah...mwaaaaaahhh....

Minggu, 08 November 2009

Unfailing love


Hi...
Beberapa hari belakangan ini gue sering banget dengerin lagu Unfailing Love-nya Chris Tomlin. Gak tau kenapa nih lagu sederhana banget tapi "sadis" banget deh...hehe
Serasa melankolis banget kalo denger nih lagu. Gue gak tau ada apa dengan lagunya tapi gue yakin God works through anything...Bener gak?
Sabtu lalu pas ibadah, I'm asking God if He would stand on my side again...
Gue tau banget udah lakuin banyak banget kesalahan sama Dia, and I'm asking for another chance. Gue berasa bahkan Dia gak ada di pihak gue lagi. But who knows? Bisa jadi itu cuma perasaan gue doang.
In such sort notice, I heard His voice after so long I haven't heard from Him.
Dia gak pernah pindah pihak. Gue yang pindah dan gak berdiri di pihak Tuhan lagi. Gue cuma perlu balik, ngaku semua kesalahan gue dan berusaha gak ngulangin itu semua lagi. And one thing, as long as you can breathe means that He'll give you another chance.
God,I need to tell you that You're still the God of myself and I still worship you...Whatever happen to me, I can't go too far from You...
You know, I'm proud to have a God like You and Your unfailing love.
Thank's for never give up on me....

Selasa, 20 Oktober 2009

Sad Ending


Gue hampir selalu suka dengan film yg berakhir sad-ending. Tapi ternyata itu justru terjadi dalam kehidupan gue. Khususnya dalam hubungan gue sama orang yang paling gue sayang 4 bulan ini. Dan rasanya luar biasa sakit banget...
Ini hari kedua setelah gue break sama dia..
Gue udah tau dari dulu sakitnya kehilangan. Bukannya sok romantis, tapi emang gitu kenyataannya. Karena ini bukan yang pertama kalinya dalam hidup gue harus kehilangan orang yang gue sayang banget.
Kita jadian cuma 4 bulan memang, mungkin banyak yang akan bilang kalo gue lebai. Tapi gue sayang banget sama dia, dan itu yang nentuin se-sakit apakah waktu gue harus putus sama dia. Dan ini sakit banget...
Di otak gue penuh pertanyaan sama Tuhan, "kenapa kayak gini lagi sih?"
Yang dulu kan udah pernah, kok sekarang gini lagi?
Gue gak macem-macem, gue berusaha bangun hubungan baik-baik. Tetep aja gue gak pernah dapet ijin.
Bisa gila rasanya kalo tiap hari kayak gini..
Setau gue juga dia lagi sakit sekarang, gue bisa apa?
Kalo dulu sih iya gue pasti temenin dia, entah telpon entah gimana lah..Tapi sekarang gue bisa apa?
Gue sebenernya gak tega kalo sampe denger kabarnya dia sakit atau knp" lah.Namanya juga sayang, mana tega sih u denger kabar kalo orang yang lu sayang knp"..
Gue lebih gak tega lagi kalo dia harus jalanin backstreet sama gue. Gue akan nyiksa dia lebih lama lagi, makanya gue gak mau.
Entah keluarganya bisa berubah pikiran atau enggak, yang jelas tugas gue udah selesai dan gue udah lakuin bagian gue dengan usaha terbaik gue..
Gue gak tau kapan bisa ketemu atau ngomong lagi sama dia..
Gue kangen banget sama dia, sayang banget. Tapi semuanya udah selesai...
Gue seneng akhirnya dia udah jauh lebih dewasa dari pertama kali kita ketemu...
Gue cuma gak nyangka akhirnya kita putus bukan karena kita berhenti sayang satu sama lain, tapi karena kita udah berusaha. Yah, dia udah berusaha keras buat perjuangin hubungan kita.
Makasih yah hunieku, 4 bulan 1 minggu ini udah nemenin ko jio.
Miss u, luv u...
Bye..